somehow i have hit a plateau in my walk with God.

i need a breakthrough.

i prayed it all away!

i wish plenty that i have the time to write in this more often.

in a way i haven’t been able to because i realised that my blog’s not quite so private anymore. i guess when you choose to put up your thoughts, you can’t exactly choose your readers.

and choosing to showcase what you’re thinking… i guess there comes a certain degree of exhibitionism? like “hey, my friends are going to read this man” ?

i guess if i had a choice i would just not blog.

i blog and write only because i need some form of chronicling my thoughts and i put it up so you know how i feel. there didn’t use to be quite so many people reading my blog so to a certain degree i just feel violated. like someone has overstepped the boundaries.

bah.

i am feeling ornery right now, so i guess it doesn’t help that i am feeling this way. have an overwhelming urge to yank my blog off the net.

on a sidenote, i don’t think i have been walking sufficiently in the Spirit if i am feeling this way about this person. i wish the feeling would go away; in fact i feel terrible for feeling what i am feeling, but to some extent i just want to dwell in this funk.

how depressing.

the whole of last week sucked bigtime. this week, hasn’t sucked yet i guess.

me: i’m still mildly off
but nothing a good scolding from my tutor won’t fix
expecting that
later today or early tomorrow

e: huh!

so poor thing!

me: actually come to think of it i don’t think it will fix the depression but will just make me more motivated to work

and then when im motivated to work i will have a purpose

then when i have a purpose i can snap out of my purposelessness-induced funk

no la not poor thing

at least i can say that for now

im learning, that’s all i can say

actually i know so many people who can benefit from a touch from God.

i wish i had the courage to tell them i love them enough to want to save them.

to want to see them with me in eternity.

and willing to donate blood to a two-year-old girl who may need it?

let me know.

ya first time over the past wkend.

quite fun, though some of the kids bugged the hell out of me.

i don’t remember kids being like that when i was younger. i mean, i don’t remember being like that when i was 11/12?

i hear it is because of family background.

that’s something to think about.

my pay cheque covers every single bit that i spent. PTL! it’s really amazing man, seriously. the amount was just nice. oh God you’re so good to me. plus my work didn’t feel like work at all haha.

i am upset that i missed corne bekker and the last session of the ten commandments though. i always miss the last sessions, strangely enough.

on a sidenote, today we spent the better half of the day trying to make popcorn in the office before we realised the machine actually worked at the convention centre.

funny la. nvm, we learnt sthn out of this.

aye?

aye!

it seems like all the ‘haywiredness’ of last week has finally been left behind with the paper going off to print on the last day of the week. feels like i have left the burden i was carrying for another one that is going to become progressively heavier as we move on through the weeks.

today we are having pizza. last week we had pizza to tide us over the last night, but this week it is more celebratory in a way.

but enough about that.

honestly speaking, nothing means more to me than God and what i do outside of work. work doesn’t mean anything to me — it’s just something that i have to progress through, try to excel in and that’s that. one lesson that i learnt is that i allowed work to completely consume me this time.

let’s hope it doesn’t happen again.

so i just hope that i will actually take the initiative to do so much more outside of work. the feeling is just that if i don’t, life turns meaningless to me? well, not meaningless per se, but rather, i don’t see the point in working so hard anymore. cos we all work hard for a reward, don’t we? i work hard to get to 6pm and i just want to spend the time with family and friends. that’s my reward.

what audrey told me just the past sunday is something that’s so awefully cool. she couldn’t possibly have known, and the people who know about it couldn’t have told her about it, so that she knew about it and was able to tell me something so exciting is compelling me to look up and marvel at the ways my God works.

i kind of only blog when i have nothing else to do. i am just doing mundane office stuff now sooo ya. sigh. pizza’s here. bye.

and right now, sitting here in front of my laptop and it is 4.40am and i am not asleep yet but i am not alone cos tyler is proofing for design and kristle is sitting around however bing and tong are asleep… and it does look quite good being asleep.

He has seen me through this. 3 nights. aalways with me.

my dear God. the mighty God i worship. the love of my life.

oh man. what can i do but praise You?

ptlptlptl.

more when im more coherent.

it seems to be happening very often.

every time i re-dedicate my purposes and outlook towards God, He just sends blessings upon me. i really am feeling like i am so full of blessings that i am going to burst. not that i am complaining.

PTL.